I’d like to say I’m like most wombyn. For instance, the moment you find out you’re pregnant you begin to take care of your baby in one way or another. Maybe it’s eating healthier or eating that snack you’re craving because baby wants it right? It could be making sure you sleep or adding another item into your target cart. Regardless of what you’re doing, you’re likely prepping and excited for the future with this child.
In July 2015 I experienced a miscarriage. I was confused, stunned and sad. On top of this I was on vacation, so I was not home or near my partner. I had to travel back home a few days later; alone. Everything I had been doing including mental preparation was not enough to save my baby. I know that I spiraled down, I know I did not have enough support and I know that the doctors didn’t care nor did they have an explanation.
Here are things people told me:
“It just happens sometimes.”
“It wasn’t the right time.”
“You can try again”
“Don’t worry about it.”
Telling a mother these phrases are the least helpful ever. They discredit the wombyn’s feelings and they do not give room for the wombyn to feel you are a safe person to confide in. At least in my experience these phrases did not help me because this wasn’t something that just happened, I wanted this child; this child was at the right time because honestly we can’t ever be 100% prepared for a child; you can try again but I did try and I did want that child at that moment and that child was already perfect to me; and I can’t not worry, I loss a life inside me, it hurts.
October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. One in four wombyn experience loss. But not every wombyn has a safe space or person(s) to confide in. Some of these wombyn go through this alone and it may be a very dark time for this mother. These wombyn deserve to have their voice heard, to have ample postpartum support and to be loved on. And these babies deserve to be honored and remembered. You can ask these wombyn how old their baby would have been. My angel baby would have been 2.5 by now.
As a community I think it is important to talk about pregnancy and infant loss. It is a taboo topic but shouldn’t be. If we can talk about it more and be more aware, we can help more mothers and wombyn have a voice, be heard and taken care of. If you know a mama who has had a loss, love on her.
My daughter is my rainbow baby. She turns two this coming week, in October, to always remind me that my feelings and voice matter. My partner named her Felicity which means happiness and good luck. She is all that and more.
Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day is October 15. Check out your local community for awareness walks. I will be attending my local one on Oahu.I am also participating in a PAIL training that begins this day. To make change I have to be apart of the change. You can also check out pages like Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month on Facebook or www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/awarenessmonth.
I hope all those who have experienced loss can have happiness. Sending love to all who have experienced loss.